Saint Fiacre: Patrons Saint of People with STD
How Did He Become a Saint?
Fiacre's path to sainthood began with the lofty goal of living alone in the woods. The legend goes that he went to France and found some woods owned by the Bishop Faro, who offered him as much land as he could clear in one day. Fiacre agreed and used his magic spade to topple trees and uproot bushes. A local woman claimed witchcraft, but Bishop Faro declared it a miracle instead.
Fiacre got his woods but failed miserably at being alone. He built a hospice and used his miraculous healing touch to cure anyone in need. Unless you were a woman. He banned all women from his sacred place of hermitage.
So Why STDs?
As a sacred healer he could cure blindness, leprosy, tumors and more, all by touch. "More" also includes venereal disease. His patronage was assigned to the ailments he healed which means a lot of happy endings for 7th century dongs. He is also the Patron Saint of gardeners and cab drivers and we think that means you can bang gardeners and cab drivers condom free. It's cool. Just tell them good old St. Fiacre has your back. And your front. Basically wherever you catch sex grime.
Possible Prayers:
"Hey Fiacre, does whiskey and Cheetos make pee burn this bad or should I see a doctor?"
"I know you hate women and all, but can you make this a clean one? I'm out of rubbers and I will not use a sandwich bag again."